I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
