If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
