Need sex. Gaining weight.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
