Your mouth is God's brothel.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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