Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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