No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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