Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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