Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
