I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?