i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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