you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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