Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
