The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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