hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
