69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
