ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
