I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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