I just made out with a guy for $7.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
