I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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