Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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