I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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