I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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