Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How naked do you want me to be?
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