about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
