I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
