I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
