I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
