I molested 6 butterflies tonight
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
