Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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