I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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