Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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