i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
