I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
