she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
