You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
