She is in my trunk
no, he came in my armpit
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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