apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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