is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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