Only a mothe r could love this liver
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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