I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
