I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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