when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
