I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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