Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
