but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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