I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
