Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
