if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
