Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
