I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
