last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
