Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
