The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
