so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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