Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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