Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
