I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
