We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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