shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
