i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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